Devotion
by AutumnsFey
Summary: Nurture is a strong part of us. It always leaves traces, and in some cases, scars. Tsunahime's parents were no role model spouses, and on the day of her own wedding, their child has a moment of reflection ... well, a teeny tiny freakout, that is. Fem!Tsuna.


**Do you know what it is called, this all-consuming feeling that's filling me so assuringly?**

This need to protect her? To strive for and thrive? The compulsion to bring her pride? To take away all the worries and fears that make the one you love fake a smile just for your sake? To make sadness into happiness?

Do you have a name to call this terrifying mixture of awe, worship, gratefulness, love and loyalty?

I didn't. Not for the longest time.

It took years. Years of feeling, seeing, searching and reaching …

… until, finally, understanding was born and found.

For all she was, for all she gave, for all she endured … I could never feel less than devotion for her.

It wasn't blind, but it certainly was faith.

 **Tsuna was too young to even think about being a parent, thankfully.** She didn't want to be one, anyway, not yet at least. The experience of motherhood hopefully wouldn't be a topic for at least a decade to come. No, she could not speak from experience, she could neither claim to understand nor cast judgement on that particular subject, but she didn't need to.

No.

There were two facts that stood out to her from a very young age, and this facts defined everything she knew of family, and how to live her life.

" _Kaa-chan is there, she is my mother, loves me and does everything she can to care for, treasure, provide and love me. Everything, no matter how many sacrifices she has to make. No matter how those sacrifices destroy her._

 _Tou-chan is absent, he is my father in name only through a blood connection I can't ignore, and my mother's husband on paper but in nothing else. He is naught but a lazy rude free-loader, expecting a kingly treatment for the sorrow he sows, but perfectly willing and able to leave us once the seeds of hope and normalcy have been sown so that we can reap the pain of disillusion and abandonment he has earned. No matter what, neither Kaa-chan nor I will ever depend on him."_

Fact, the first: You can't fall into the trap of dependence.

Dependence means your end.

Tsuna's Kaa-Chan had fallen into that very trap as a young woman, she had fallen for a handsome stranger who promised her the world, she had given her everything up, for him, only to have that very man walk out the moment that everything had become as near to picture perfect as it could.

Expectedly Ironic.

Sadly Educating.

And secondly … no man, no matter how deeply your love runs, how devoted you are to him, is worth your sense of self.

Because Tsuna's mother had done exactly that. She had given up her dreams, her ambitions and plans, to be a stay at home mom, she had given away control of her life and lost her pride. She defined herself through the image her husband had impressed upon her, and even in absentia he controlled everything. No, no husband should ever have that kind of power over his wife, and no wife should give herself up to play a role she had come to resign to, not one she blossomed up in.

It wasn't remotely okay.

And it certainly wasn't right.

But despite that, it taught Tsuna a lesson she would never forget.

A lesson, which would define her until her very last breath.

 **Some would say that she had been traumatised by her upbringing.** They would declare her damaged by her own and her mother's experiences and diagnose her as overcompensating by being too independent, by being to steadfast in her opinions, ideals and ambition.

Bullshit.

Yes, she had been shaped by her childhood, and yes, the way her parents' marriage had been formed the root of her own beliefs regarding her independence. She desired to find love, to share her life with someone, but she wouldn't give up herself for him. That was the one step she wasn't willing to concede, and a man who tried to force into exactly that position, was not one she had any wish to stay with.

To her, love, loyalty, trust – they were gifts, and they were gifts that were just as freely earned as they were given. But just because her past had a hand in forming what she knew that she wanted, didn't make her damaged or broken – it gave her a healthy dose of self-respect,

Besides, all those bored housewives who couldn't get enough of gossiping over her, well … who the hell wanted to belong to them? That, actually, was one of her more terrifying nightmares.

It was simple. Tsuna preferred to see it as clinging to the one small lick of undeniable common sense she possessed.

Not that common sense was commodity these days.

 **As a small child, Tsuna came to a very important decision.**

" Devotion is one of the most sacred gifts that can be freely given. And it has to be earned to truly be worth it."

And she defined this concept, this vow if ideals, to an art. Even though she didn't yet know what devotion itself was, the principals of the matter were clear to her: She wanted to be able to love just as selflessly and unconditionally as her mother did, and she wanted to gift that love to someone who would actually value and deserve it. She would never allow herself to fall for a fool like her father, and if she happened to be tricked and trapped by a manipulator like that? Then she would have enough self-respect to make a cut and start over, no matter how deep the pain run.

Strangely, she actually kept to it.

Intellectual studies weren't really hers, she wasn't of a terribly studious nature, preferring things like cooking, helping her mom to take care of their home, devouring trivial literature … painting and reading. Math and science gave her nightmares. Instead, she liked to express herself and to share this expression. The subjects she excelled at in school were art, Japanese, English and home economy class. And her mother appreciated it. She fully supported Tsuna's desire to work in a job she could support herself with, but also one where she could become a stay at home mom if she so desired, and she helped her baby girl find a dream for her own.

Tsuna did.

Translator.

She threw herself into improving her Japanese and English and branched out into Mandarin, French and Italian. She grew much more confident, she grew into herself. And she captured the attention of the man, boy then, who would prove himself to her in every way, who would make her fall for him without trying at first, and then capture her entirely.

And he would assuage her fears again and again, never tiring of it, until she truly trusted him and actually said yes to the second most important question he could asked of her.

" _Marry me?"_

 **Tsuna swallowed a she looked in the mirror and saw herself for the first time that day.**

Her pale skin was flawless, and the light pink rouge across her cheeks brought about a certain glow. Her pouty glossy lips were coloured a soft rosé, and her eyes had been carefully brought out with just a bit of neutral colours as well as black eyeliner and mascara. She wore a matching set of jewellery consisting of a fine-mashed rose-golden collier and long earrings, inlaid with small white pearls, as well as tiny cream-shaded flowers woven in her short brown hair that artfully pinned down the wilder strands. The cream-coloured dress hugged her body like a second skin only to flare gently from the knees to the floor, hiding her white high heels. She loved the dress, it was modern with its deep neckline and translucent wide flowing sleeves while also being traditional with a playful embroidered Obi around her thin waist.

She looked pretty. She looked ready.

And her hands were shaking.

What the hell was she doing here?

What the fuck was she thinking?

… this was a bad idea. A very very bad idea.

She couldn't – no, she had seen what marriage did to her mom, she couldn't fall into the same trap, and she couldn't give up her independence and identity …

" Tsu-chan, everything okay?"

She blinked and looked up at her mom, trying to smile and failing miserable as tears swam in her eyes.

" I – I can't do this – I -"

Sawada Nana only smiled serenely as she leaned down and took her daughter's delicate hands between her own, calming the shaking down instantly with a familiar comforting touch.

" Shh, baby girl, what is the matter?", she asked gently.

" I can't do it, Kaa-chan. I just can't", Tsuna whispered hoarsely as she stared at their hands.

" Why not?"

She blinked and looked up at her mom. Why?

" Because than I – I'm not going to – I can't give up -"

She couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence, unable to actually articulate her fears, but … this was her mom. And Kaa-chan always understood her, even when Tsuna choked uselessly on her own tongue.

" You are afraid that your marriage will end up like your fathers and mine", her mother concluded, and Tsuna flinched violently. The grip on her hands tightened.

" Tsunahime", her mother said heavily, and the young woman looked up, into equally warm brown eyes, so much like her own, there was no denying where she got hers from. " Your father and I … I was so in love when we married. I still am. And I can't help but think that your father loves me too, even to this day. I have to think that. But our relationship, your fathers and mine, it isn't really normal, no matter how much I pretend it is, and I'm very sorry that it has had such a huge impact on your own outlook on love. But I know you, my sweet child, and I know that you know your own heart, a heart which tells you that you love that man waiting for you more than anything else, that you want to share your life with him, and that he is so very different to your father, I doubt you will ever have to fear history repeating itself. You love him, don't throw that away. Not if your fear is rooted in the experiences you gained from my marriage. Look at yourself, and look at your man. And now I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me you don't love him enough to marry him, because that is the only excuse I will accept for you not marrying that boy you are very definitely head over heels for."

Tsuna closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath, more like a sob, really.

Every single word … was true.

She was just afraid.

Afraid of being trapped.

Afraid of losing herself.

But … her fiancé was not her father.

And she was not her mother.

Slowly she released her breath.

Kaa-chan was right.

Her love had never given her reason to doubt or fear him. He had never made her regret anything. … this was … old fears rising, but thinking clearly past the unexpected burst of nerves … there was nothing but resolution. She did love him. And she wanted to become his wife.

Because directly beneath her wedding nerves was nothing but conviction, devotion and trust.

She slowly opened her eyes, warm brown nearly burning golden with resolve.

" Thank you, Kaa-chan", she said softly, reaching up and planting a gentle kiss on her mother's cheek, before standing up.

Her lover was not her father, he was the exact opposite – protective, dependable, honourable, strong-willed and giving her the freedom she craved. She was not her mother, but she was just as devoted – to her husband, who had so truly earned her devotion, and to her sense of self, which she wouldn't give up even for him – not that she saw this topic ever becoming a problem, her fiancée was just as independent as her, and neither would ever attempt to cage the other.

Steeling herself, Sawada Tsunahime banished all thoughts of insecurity or doubt from her mind.

It was time to take the plunge.

To bind herself in love and show her devotion to the one man who had earned and as such deserved it.

It was time to become Hibari Tsunahime.

 _~ The End. ~_


End file.
